I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Important
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Saint West, the patron of selfies
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.