“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Catering service
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Sorry. Not sorry
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.