@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”

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@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

@TheAlexNevil

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

@tarashoe

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

@ceejoyner

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

@stevevsninjas

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

@efasheefaa

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.

@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

@Momtoteens

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”