@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”

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@noogscorner

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

@Ten_Toes_7

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

@jazmasta

A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

@Tmoney68

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

@Marlebean

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

@CubanaMama82

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

@danagould

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

@squirrel74wkgn

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?