Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about