@not_thenanny

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

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@pleatedjeans

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

@SCbchbum

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

@goulcher

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

@notalogin

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

@GinAndJif

When animals lick each other it’s bonding, but when I do it at work as part of a team building exercise it’s all “inappropriate” & “call HR”

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@hipsterocracy

People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.

@AbbieEvansXO

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

@TattleTSister

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

@SteveKoehler22

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages