I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Owl Sanctuary
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist