“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My daily affirmation
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad