I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*