As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Me: —pre born
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*