@DannyZuker

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

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@JeremyKCMO

As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

@AaronFullerton

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

@FredTaming

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

@HomeProbably

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks