If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?