I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The best plant holders?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.