Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.
Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.
The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*