I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.