I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day


In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.


When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.


anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ




Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.


Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.


The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.


Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.


“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”