I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
😂😂😂
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?