*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever