I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.

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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator


ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems


If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.


Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.


ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

SHERIFF: can i help you, son?

ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?


dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time


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Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.


ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.