@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.

You Might Also Like

@DeadLioness

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

@clichedout

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

@Phantasmagoriax

If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.

@vineyille

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

@sonictyrant

ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

SHERIFF: can i help you, son?

ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?

@AbleLikes

dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

@novicefather

[Personal ad]

Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.