A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.
It was probably over a stolen tweet.
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ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
SHERIFF: can i help you, son?
ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?
dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap
Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.