I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.