I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
You Might Also Like
fired
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.