I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years


*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*


I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.


If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms


Donald Trump: nobody can out crazy me

Lena Dunham: here, hold my beer


My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.


Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.


All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.