Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened