I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.


The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.


Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit


doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t


Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted


High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:


…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*


Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now


When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened