@markleggett

I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.

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@LnL245

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

@caithuls

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

@SexySpainNights

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

@HughGoesThere

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

@EJGomez

kanye west: beyoncĂ© is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

@kwirkyKerri

Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I’m convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.