*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
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The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!