If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]