@iNusku

I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.

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@420b1az31t

Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

@abbycohenwl

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@AntozWolf

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@simoncholland

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

@colesprouse

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

@dadmann_walking

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

@serhawke

Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese