I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.

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Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:


waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please


I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?


People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!


*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*


Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.


It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.


5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.


Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese