I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
water it, i dare you
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??