I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.

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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”


me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?


[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.


ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]


Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning


Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35


I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut


“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.


He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
2. Stop calling me that.