I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I cannot stop laughing at this
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️