@iGreenMonk

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.

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@UncleDuke1969

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@jonnysun

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

@BaldyLockzz

Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

@LurkAtHomeMom

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

@Impetermoran

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

@ohpegah

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

@MrsGagaGarcia

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.