I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.