They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.
What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
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For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“Alexa am I drunk?”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.
I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.
See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.