I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
felt that
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.