I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
this is how life feels
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.