If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.
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Daughter: Mom, there’s a man outside.
Me: Get the net!
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*