“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.