I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.