I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.
“Can I get a rum and coke, no straw” I ask the bartender, in hopes of an eco-friendly cutie overhearing me and falling in love with me at eye contact, when in reality all I get is a rum and coke with a straw because the bartender didn’t hear me over God’s Plan playing loudly
OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?
No, you shut up.
A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”