I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
he was correct
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
classic mixup
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore