@thisislizz

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

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@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@miffedmim

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

@dubstep4dads

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

@slimmy_shady

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@Chyld

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

@OllyiConic

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

@T_Bonezzz_

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”