I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”