@thisislizz

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

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@Parkerlawyer

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@TJ_TheMenace

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

@Jaden76

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

@Epygma

“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*sweats nervously*
I C-CAN’T
“Why?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL

@TheTweetOfGod

Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.

@HushJared

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

@Jennarater

I’m only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers