@sageboggs

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

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@Lisa_Laughs_

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

@MattBellassai

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

@SoNotThePoint_

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

@Manda_like_wine

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@ALF_from_TV

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@PFitzpa

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

@Home_Halfway

Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely

@dumbbeezie

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?