I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.


been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening


I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.


Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.


Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.


Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.


Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely


I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married


*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played


[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?