A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.