I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
You Might Also Like
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]