I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.


My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.


detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em


Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?


*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”


Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!


When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.


[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.


Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.


My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.