@Jackson5toLife

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

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@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@ShellHasDragons

My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@SergioValenCo

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

@AthenaMystique

*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”

@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

@psybermonkey

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

@AGreaterMonster

Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.