@mack44_d

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

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@noogscorner

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

@_gothique

What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs

@3sunzzz

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

@the_mom_dot_com

My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.

@leonbyrdvevo

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

@ozzyunc

Zeus was the Greek god of kings & storms. His cousin Kazeus was the god of unpopular wind instruments.

@SJSchauer

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.