@mack44_d

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

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@lisaxy424

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

@CarolineMoss

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

@dildointherough

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

@TFLN

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

@bananafitz

i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

@sixfootcandy

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist