I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

You Might Also Like


The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?


What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs


I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.


My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.


if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab


Zeus was the Greek god of kings & storms. His cousin Kazeus was the god of unpopular wind instruments.


Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes


Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.