The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
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What I’ve learned from Twitter:
1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
The toilet handle is lava
My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Zeus was the Greek god of kings & storms. His cousin Kazeus was the god of unpopular wind instruments.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.