Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE