People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
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[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅