Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.