Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
channeling her this year
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.