*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.