I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[eulogy]
line?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Batman v Dracula
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.