@SarcasticAlly12

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

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@Ygrene

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

@SortaBad

“Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride”

@ninjadinosaur1

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

@VeganZebra

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

@Rollinintheseat

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

@MomOnFire

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

@mamapojo

Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”

@dsmitty62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!