@SarcasticAlly12

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

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@SortaBad

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

@Lmao

5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”

@SondraDeeMe

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@SissiSay

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@zebrasyndicate

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

@ClichedOut

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@MartaEffing

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating