Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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5 kinds of fear:
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating