I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird


“Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride”


My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches


Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!


Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money


Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.


Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?


Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”


Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!