I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.