I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”