@Fickle_Filly

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

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@DanMentos

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@iscoff

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

@hansabumsadaisy

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@girlwit0filter

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

@joshgondelman

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

@5hael

How long do you have to wait between naps?