I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings