I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.