*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
ACED my prostate exam!