@lasergirl70

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

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@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@MaraWilson

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

@ibid78

If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).

@dixonshuman

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

@Jake_Vig

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@darksidesith75

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

@SuperRandomish

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”