I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!