I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe