Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.