@JustFingKatie

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

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@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

@ibid78

[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that

@GingerHotDish

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

@_corichardson

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@truegritrumble

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

@EricaWhoToYou

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

@bornmiserable

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

@chrissyteigen

“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said