I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there

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Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..


I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.


I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.


*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.


Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here


windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol


5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.


SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.


[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months


People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.