Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there
You Might Also Like
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
windows 8: i got some updates
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
5: dad is sixty eighty?
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.