@CakeThrottle

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there

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@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@VerbsRProudest

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

@AnnietheNanny1

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

@AbbieEvansXO

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

@thomas_violence

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

@dadmann_walking

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

@AndrewNadeau0

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

@david8hughes

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

@Ivsy01

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.