Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
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Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.