Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal