I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
what it’s like dating me:
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
happy valentine’s day to me
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Fiction has to make sense.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”