I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
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Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”