Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.